Daniel's blog

farewell home, cya family

Moving can be a bit emotional. It's definitely more than what I had envisioned -- me standing outside waving farewell to my home & cya to my family. 

Though it's really only been 7 years, the memories are countless...the holidays, the summer days, the winter days, the business, the cat, the parties, gatherings & really all the time spent with friends and family. Amongst all that, I'm reminded also of all the times looking back at how God has so faithfully transformed me through miracles, brokenness, difficulties, joys, and intimate moments with Him time after time in this home. 

I'm def going to miss my sleeping room in the media room, my real room that I stored my clothes in, the kitchen where I spent most of my time at, and the same trail I've been running on in the last couple months. It'll be weird  and new not having some place nearby to call "home". But most of all, I'll miss my parents + Gloria. One thing I will not discount is the blessing I've received through a loving family. My parents have taught me what it means to follow & depend on Christ through the highs & the lows. My dad has demonstrated/shown me patience & Godly character over the years and my mom set an example for me to spend time daily with Him in His Word & in prayer. Gloria, though a pain in the butt literally every 30 minutes, gave me the opportunity to practice what I learned while really pushing me to grow. I thank God for giving me the blessing of my parents & family whom I definitely did not deserve. 

As I move onto these changes in my life and really not having a clue of what I'm doing, I look forward to continuing to learn what it means to depend on Christ ever more so now. I think God's been preparing me and teaching me a lot about dependence and knowing Him more intimately this year. That and entrusting my life to give and surrender all that I have and all that I am for His glory. 

Head knowledge becoming more real...praying & spending time with Him becoming more precious. 

Still amazes me to the point of tears every time I think about the depth of His love for such a sucky hell-deserving guy I am. But that He would pay the price through His Son Jesus Christ and love me more than I even know. 

I prob won't see you again house, but hopefully I'll see you soon family. 

 

my graduation speech I gave to, myself

9 1/2 years and finally I walked the stage and shook the hands of Dr. Daniel and the Dean before I yelled "Cya!" in my head as I realized this may very likely be the last time I'll ever have to go back to school (and not because I dropped out like in HS and in my sophomore year of college) but because I finished with the help of miracles and all of God's grace! This is of course if the Lord does not call me to seminary one day...but for the time being, I rejoice. 

There was a moment in my graduation that was a bit emotional...as I recounted my life and looked back to see..the goodness of God. Truth is.. as I sat and listened to the student speaker for the graduation commencement, I wished I would have given more to achieve that privilege. At the same time though, I'm also thankful I didn't commit so much to working towards that..because I still get to write a speech for my myself and anyone who stumbles upon this :D

----

Fellow graduates of 2011, family, and friends -

It is an honor to be here with you today at one of the great universities in Texas. With a internationally recognized chess team, undefeated football team, and a top-of-the-line world class cafeteria serving foods of the finest ingredients, what else more could we have possibly asked for? It is indeed, such a joy, to be able to share this moment with you all...because we finally did it!

In writing this speech, perhaps the most difficult part was reducing these last 5 1/2 years of memories and stories to less than ten minutes. But this afternoon, I'd like to share just two stories with you.

The first is titled "Perseverance"

In 10th grade, I abruptly dropped out of school one day that shocked many of my classmates and friends. I was enrolled in a homeschool program where I did virtually nothing academically. Instead, I vested all my time into playing games and trying to start companies. In the two years before college, I eventually found too much time on my hands, started companies that made less than $10/month, and failed in most every endeavor I pursued. Eventually I decided to go out into the real world and work. I was extremely privileged to work for a commercial realty company for 1 year and a commercial lighting company for another before my freshman year at UTD. There, I gained invaluable experience of worklife that would eventually help shape my dreams for my future. In it, I learned that at all costs, my heart's desire one day would be to work for myself and have the freedom to pursue my heart in Asia.

When I started classes here at UTD, I continued working at the commercial lighting company but eventually found that I could not possibly take classes, work, and still pursue my heart in entrepreneurship at the same time. In the following year, our business had landed a very large project from Target Corporation that would push me to drop out of my classes, lose my scholarship, quit my job, have my family quit their jobs and run hard after this start-up company.

After a year of working hard towards my dreams, we soon found the business was not making enough money and there was no capital to continue doing what we were doing. My family went back to work and in the following semester, I decided to go back to school to finish my degree.

It was in perhaps the biggest and climatical failures I have seen in my life, I also learned an invaluable lesson of perseverance. I believe perseverance is not what the world has made it to be -- where one hammers through every difficulty and always coming out triumphant in their goals. (though success may very often be the end result) But rather perseverance is facing the reality that our desires may not always be aligned with God's will and yet continuing to work hard knowing that God has still purpose in all things and trusting He remains Sovereign in all things. It is only when we see the truth in this, may we persevere with hope not in ourselves but in the One who gave us all things.

Every one of you have made it here today, but the journey has only begun. Keep persevering!

My second story is called, "Providence"

Truth be told, I grew up in a Christian family and at a Christian church but never truly understood what I believed. In my freshman Rhet 1101 class I had met one of my best friends throughout college who happened to be an atheist. For several months, I attempted to convert my friend to Christianity to no avail. In the end, his firm skepticism actually questioned my own faith where I began to seriously doubt my own beliefs. During that time, I had also gone through my first break-up and so combined with the regular stresses of school and work, my life was at the lowest of the low. For the first time in my life, and by the grace of God, I believe that's when I recognized I had gone through all the motions of church but did not know the God of the Universe. Upon this realization, I cried out to God asking Him to help me find who He was.

Slowly, I began to see my own wickedness and wretchedness. I began to see myself much differently than I had before. But it was in those times, I saw the beauty of the gospel message. More and more, as I saw my own wretched self, I also began to see more the magnitude of what it means for God to send His Son to die on the Cross to save me from what I knew I deserved.

For the first time, I began to learn about the Sovereignty of God. I began to learn the goodness of God. I learned the attributes of God -- His love, justice, and holiness. And as I thought back to my life and reflected upon that truth each time, I realized more that every event in my life had been paramount to my finding of this God. A lot largely due to my parents' upbringing, my mentally retarded sister, much of my evil acts as an adolescent, and countless stories in my life.

As I stand here before you today, I cannot say life has been easier in knowing God. In fact, I believe on the contrary life has become much more difficult in many ways as I am discovering more of what it means to trust in His plans, to live in obedience, to be refined, and to carry a message that the world hates. But what I'm learning to trust and find my joy in is in providence - that God is actively working and has purpose in all things that may one day bring Him glory. I'm learning my joy is in simply knowing Him -- a God who chooses to be a very personal God that engages in intimate relationship with us. And perhaps providence has it that I'm given the opportunity to share the testimony of God's goodness in my life with you. 

I'm sure each of you have your own story today but it's in those two stories of mine I shared, may it be one day when you come upon failures, when you face immense trials in life, or when you've given up on everything else -- remember to persevere and trust in God's providence. May that be real in your life and may you one day see the goodness of God in all things.

Congratulations on your graduation,

Daniel

 

 

a brief summer post

Pity I haven't blogged in a while. Summer has seemed so long it feels like a year has gone by.

I'm thankful though for the time in Taiwan, DCCYC, VBS, & the everything in between. It's been a fruitful three months -- I feel blessed also to have the opportunity to bike, run, improve on my swim, and bball with the fellas at church.

I'm thankful He is stretching and refining me as always. I'm learning all the more the beauty of the Cross. When life is difficult...when living this life proclaiming a radical message that the world hates you for.. when people...even your own family and loved ones...demand tolerance in other people's beliefs and hate the truth of their own depravity & need of a Savior, & above all when God disciplines us to conform us more to this image of His Son, when He gives us trials to refine us more ... at times life becomes almost unbearingly difficult.

It's in these hardships & difficulties though, how much more glorious the Cross becomes; how we can only cling to it and dare not let go.

In pondering over these things, I can't help but realize and be reminded that there are so many others who I may never even come close to fully understanding the magnitude of their own struggles... from those who are learning to trust Christ everyday in their struggle with cancer, or people who are in the jungles fighting illness and hardship in every way to bring the love of Christ to those who so desperately need to hear the gospel for the first time. To see in my very own circle of friends & loved ones, the immense struggles they have of their own.

Brothers & sisters, I pray you endure through whatever trials you have in your life, and cling onto the Cross. May you find beauty in community, the church, the body of Christ...and beauty in drawing near to Him just outside in a park by yourself. those precious moments of hope when you see the goodness of God and tears flood your eyes as He reveals Himself to you. When He reminds you of like what the lyrics below say --

Before the throne of God above
I have a strong and perfect plea.
A great high Priest whose Name is Love
Who ever lives and pleads for me.
My name is graven on His hands,
My name is written on His heart.
I know that while in Heaven He stands
No tongue can bid me thence depart.

When Satan tempts me to despair
And tells me of the guilt within,
Upward I look and see Him there
Who made an end of all my sin.
Because the sinless Savior died
My sinful soul is counted free.
For God the just is satisfied
To look on Him and pardon me.

 

clinging to the Cross

This week is finals week. Truth be told, finals and I don't get along too well. I can't begin to count how many A's and A+ have been torn away from me because of my apathy towards the end of the semester. Especially when one is so bought into the idea that he'll just forgo the corporate world and either live indigenously in some third world place or try to somehow make it in the startup biz.

I've broken up with school twice already and yet this time around I'm determined to stay the course (pun intended); Now I can only pray I will continue to work hard and earn the best grade I can get in all 6 of my courses. 

Lately, I've felt blessed in two particular areas of my life. 

1. God's creation + Gloria

2. Revealing my sinfulness

Of course amongst many other things He provides...even the immense struggles and hardships/difficulties to endure.

I thank the Lord everytime I step outside for a walk or bike ride. Seeing the beauty of His creation and the wonderful trees...sky, air, life..just gives a sense of relief from burdens of the world. I'm both marveled and reminded how great God is in both His creation and His providence; literally brings me in awe and amazement towards the goodness of our Creator and the peace/love He would pour into us. I added Gloria because she's given me a new reason to enjoy outside as now she would constantly ask to take long walks (or more like me walking, her playing queen while basking in her glorious wheelchair) in the evenings. As such (and as always) I thank Him for giving me her despite her persistent whining and time to time making me change her stinky diapers. 

Above all else though, I thank God lately for revealing much of my sinfulness and putting into light much of what I never saw before. From things as seemingly minsicule as the words I speak or my actions/thoughts to how I struggle with pride/lust/apathy. The difficulty of being refined...is often one that almost seems unbearable. How can we be so sinful, so selfish, so unloving, so wretched... how ugly I have had a glimpse of myself to be. How it grieves me to think that I once thought I was a pretty "good guy." The magnitude of this revelation can't be justified through my words. Oh how heavy my heart has been, how many days & nights I have just soaked myself in tears; but oh how all the more glorious He is to me...our Savior and redeemer. One that remembers our sin no more (thanks Dchin). How much I am in need of a God that is immutable, transcedent, personal, loving. 

In times of my greatest need and brokeness, I can only cling to the cross. How this truth has pierced my soul. How this truth has brought me to tears even as much as I try to fight it back whenever amongst others. How can a good and Holy God love us the way He does? How?? Why?? 

It's in those times I realize belief goes beyond historical, logical, innate, consistent understanding of truth. My faith will always be bolstered in the consistency I see in His revealed Word and in what truth will always demand. But may I never forget and uphold - God's goodness in choosing to have a personal and transcedent relationship with us. How the most amazing thing about love is that we can understand it even when we cannot see/feel/touch/taste/hear(?)  Him.

As such, my prayer will always be... for those who don't know Christ... to know Him and the truth of the gospel. That Christ died on the cross 2000 years ago to pay the penalty of sin. That God the Father in His mercy and grace would send His son to display the greatest act of love and sacrifice on the tree of Calvary, to appease the wrath and judgement due upon us in our wretchedness, and to save us from the eternal damnation that we rightfully deserve. 

Count your blessings. My prayer is for those who don't know Him...that you may see the truth in human depravity; why any one of us (from the gates of Auschwitz to everywhere we look) would rightfully deserve eternal damnation, but from there to understand the hope found in the Creator of the Universe. 

 

a month due post

Thought about blogging, but forgot to post this from Jan haha. Will come back later since tomorrow is another snow day. 

--

Tues/Thurs don't look too pretty for me, especially Tuesdays. I have classes from 8:30 - 9:45. AM to PM. On top of that, I've begun a rather modest and budget lifestyle in an attempt to manage my finances better. As you can imagine, saving money also involves cutting calories. In the end, it's really a win-win though. I can (hopefully) start losing a bit of weight for Feb's half and full marathon all while saving a bit of money. The downside is having to ration my two peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, fruit, and a couple of those pb&j crackers in those 13 long grueling hours. 

As the holiday has ended and school has once again begun, I can't help but reflect upon the last month or so. Looking back can be easily disappointing. High hopes went into spending my time wisely in edification and knowing Him more...all while continuing to grow the biz. 

A month later, instead of edification and a jump on the business - I realize a large majority of my hours had gone down the drain to Season 6 on Burn Notice, countless hours on iphone games, and a nice hefty bill from redbox. 

Really all of the above were never the problem in itself. I think for me, sorrow came in knowing well that in those weeks I could have cared less for the glory of Him. Indifference to what was good, complacency to where I was, a heart that suppressed what I knew I desperately longed for was what led me to remorse, shame, and guilt.

Coming out of the break though, I came to learn an important truth. The way God loves. Initially taken from a sermon I listened to and remarkably followed by countless affirmations in my daily walk, I thank God for continuing to teach me the truth of grace. 

It's in those times when shame clouds the mind to think and ponder with clarity, that I find myself once again before the cross. For me, it is perhaps most crucial to remind myself of the gospel and what it is I look upon for truth. And though I reject His word, His truth, and His love...and as far as I can run from obedience to His commands, so often He breaks us lovingly, disciplines us, and gently reminds us through the simplest ways that He loves in a way that we may never fully comprehend the greatness of. 

I'm reminded of the greatest act of love -- when He sent His Son to bear upon that cross the sin of man. When Christ literally came down to this earth to satisfy the wrath that was due upon us. The perfect sacrifice made on our behalf not on the account of anything we did but because He chose to demonstrate His love and mercy through the Cross. 

How often I take this for granted. That even as Christ would die and suffer the wrath for us, that I could even dare live as if grace meant nothing to me. 

To Him be all the praise.  

been listening to this after a sermon/debate or during a run. could only find a non english version on you tube hhaha

 

Thanksgiving

I'm thankful for...

just about everything in my life. waking up in the morning, going to sleep at night, the past, the present, good food, good company, my bike, running shoes, work, school, books, my parents, family, friends, Sandy, George (all four - cat, friend, cousin, choc fountain),   etc.

Above all, what I'm most thankful for is Him. God, our Creator, the Alpha and the Omega, Yahweh, the Trinity. I'm thankful He is Sovereign, I'm thankful He is perfect. I'm thankful for His goodness, His mercy, His unfailing love. I'm thankful for His Word that has been so immaculately preserved. I'm thankful for Him revealing to us His truths in His timing. I'm thankful for the privilege of sharing His truth with others and being used for His glory. I'm thankful that nothing in this life is about us or from us but all good things are from Him, for Him, and for His glory.

All this to say I'm thankful to live under grace.. Not too long ago I attended a debate with renowned atheist Christopher Hitchens. Though the debate itself was disappointing because I don't believe the Christian worldview was accurately presented, towards the end of the debate was what stuck with me. A question was asked by someone in the audience; How would self-sacrifice tie into evolution or into a skeptic worldview?

In the spirit of Thanksgiving, I think many of us today would nod our heads in being thankful to those who have sacrified their life in service for our country.  Many would applaud and even honor a soldier who gives up his own life for the lives of his fellow comrades. But why?

I believe the answer lies not only in the hope of life after death but a need to sufficiently define love; whether it be love for his/her country or love for another human being. In the world's definition and the skeptics worldview there seems is no real definition of love. There is no absolute in morals, in justice, or in that of which is so significant in us and yet unanswerable in our finite minds. Even if science did answer hypothetically every other question that could be answered, what about those that cannot be answered such as one of self-sacrifice and love? 

Admittedly, I'm not an evidentialist. I've listened to several researchers and experts advocating for both sides. But in the midst of uncertainty and the chaos of arguments over human findings, there's a message that speaks of love - love in its truest form. A message of One who came down to this earth and took on the greatest sacrifice. A message of hope, of peace; a message that defies all worthless attempts to answer the need for justice and the need for absolute morality.

This is the Christian worldview. That Christ died for your sins.

It's with a heavy heart and in my prayer this Thanksgiving as it has always been to my friends and family... that you surrender your life and run to Him. To let go of your pride and give your life, give your pursuit, give everything to the One who created the Heavens and the Earth. Never has He and never will He turned away one who sought to know Him. I pray you find the joy in knowing Christ. 

Thirst for Him

When our soul thirsts for Him, there is no satisfaction but only restlessness...there is no sustenance, but only a seemingly unrelenting pursuit of Him. At times it may be difficult and perhaps even more than we can bear. But when He comes & draws us, when He calls you by name, when you know that something supernatural is so real, our finite minds and bodies can only fall upon its knees crying "Holy, Holy" is He. 

For many months, I've longed to know Him, to search for Him and to find Him. I long to have those experiences that Jonathan Edwards, RC Sproul, Calvin, Spurgeon, P. Washer have only described with words that cannot possibly capture that moment with our Father & King.

I long to be broken, to be refined and shaped by the Potter. I long to be brought to my knees in tears seeing the difficulty ahead of me but to know and be reminded that He is Sovereign and that He extends His love in every way. And though my soul still searches.. how glorious is He who comes in His spirit in the midst of our brokenness whispering in our hearts "I love you, I love you, I love you."

Lately, I've begun training for the White Rock half again in December -- hopefully finishing before my sister, bro-in-law, and friends finish the full. Every morning when I get up to run just 2,3,4 miles I'm reminded of the difficulty of the journey. But when the pain sets in, that's when the mind takes over and pushes the limit carrying those weary feet over the finish line. It's in those times, I see the beauty of the difficulties in life. For me...perhaps the most difficult often simply being to know Him more. 

Life is tough. Work, family, relationships, circumstances, fellowship, curve-balls. But to know Him... to know Him is that 26th mile in the marathon. To know Him is that journey that seems like an unending roller coaster. To know Him often seems so difficult. Oh, but the joy of knowing Him.

May that of which we may never fully comprehend - love, justice, moral, mercy be found on the cross.  May our passion in all that we do come from knowing the debt that was paid for on that tree. May we find that joy in knowing Him. 

 

 

Weekend in Hillsboro

Over the weekend, I finally took a mini-getaway with Gloria to Hillsboro, TX after a quick pit-stop at Lake Whitney where we saw a bunch of nice Asian people. The trip started off with a few rough patches; heavy traffic on 75, a nice surprise Gloria kept for the road, and killer seasonal allergies. On the bright side, I achieved what I had so sought for in these last few months -- to explain all the details would take much more than a post but put it more simply, I wanted to know Him more. The real difficulty coming back is summarizing and shortening everything so to maintain this as a post and not a book. But in (super) short, here are 2 things I learned --

via danielkao.typepad.com

Weekend in Hillsboro

Over the weekend, I finally took a mini-getaway with Gloria to Hillsboro, TX after a quick pit-stop at Lake Whitney where we saw a bunch of nice Asian people. The trip started off with a few rough patches; heavy traffic on 75, a nice surprise Gloria kept for the road, and killer seasonal allergies. On the bright side, I achieved what I had so sought for in these last few months -- to explain all the details would take much more than a post but put it more simply, I wanted to know Him more. The real difficulty coming back is summarizing and shortening everything so to maintain this as a post and not a book. But in (super) short, here are 2 things I learned --

1. Understanding the Trinity
I don’t think I really ever had a firm understanding of the Trinity. But the highest revelation God has made of Himself literally blew me away when I flipped the page of my book too excitedly, rolled over a bit, and almost fell off the bed. After really struggling through this though, I see now how significant this is not only to know but also to be able to explain and defend. It is a truth that takes great humility to even begin to grasp its richness. There’s much beauty to be found in John’s prologue. Coming back, I think this is one of the most precious truths to be well grounded in; i regret not having pursued this earlier. But as with any revelation of God’s truth, I’m reminded it comes from His grace and His grace alone. Seeing more clearly how one being in three persons, coequal and coeternal and the role of each opens up much of what I never saw before. First passage I immediately went to read over: John 6:44

2. Holiness of God
I may have mentioned this before, but I feel like this book is for someone who feels like getting destroyed...in a good way. What I most appreciated from Sproul’s Holiness of God is him giving the reader a glimpse of the lives of those who understood His Holiness; from Isaiah to Martin Luther and to himself. I think the real highlight of what I took away came when RC Sproul reminded how Luther, an anxiety-stricken but legal genius, came to understand the great transgression and then the great dilemma -- how can a unjust person survive in the presence of a just, Holy God?

At the heart of the dilemma I was facing in my life and perhaps still an ongoing struggle now is going deeper into understanding the gospel and what it is we proclaim to those whom we love. What I’m most in awe by and thankful for is Him honoring what it was I so sought to pursue in these last few days; simply to go deeper into understanding man’s depravity, the dilemma, and God’s grace.

Not to dismiss all the other amazing truths I was reminded and learned of through Waterhouse’s Not by Bread Alone doctrine outline and the sermons/debates I listened through, but in the end all of this weekend pointed back to the very message of the cross. That Christ died and became sin on our behalf. That the sin that rightfully condemns us to eternal damnation and separation from the Father was atoned for by His son. And that the beauty of grace was made known when the work of the cross was finished. Grace that comes not from obligation but from something called love.

In sharing just briefly about my weekend, I would also like to end this post with this. It is my prayer and has always been my prayer for friends and family who may be reading this and who do not know of this Savior we speak of to pursue this truth. For the skeptics who demand reason, I pray you see reason and all of our innate understanding points to saving faith; it is suppression of truth and pride that prohibits truth to be known. For those who believe in any name other than Christ, truth as we know demands consistency. I pray you will seek to know what it is you believe and hold your faith to. I pray you will struggle with truth relentlessly so that you may know who the one true God is. And for those who simply don’t know even if you grew up in church, I pray you will truly come to know Him and not be deceived into a false profession of faith.

Many nights my prayers do turn to tears for you; for this is eternity we speak of. Repent and believe. Surrender your life to Him, run to Him... He who offers His mercy and grace. Though the journey may be tough, never has He turned away one who sought to know Him.

“That their hearts may be encouraged, having been knit together in love, and attaining to all the wealth that comes from the full assurance of understanding, resulting in a true knowledge of God’s mystery, that is, Christ Himself, in whom are hidden all the treasures of wisdom and knowledge.” (Colossians 2:2-3)

Daniel Kao - Sat Jul 31 2010 14:23:38 GMT-0500 (Central Daylight Time)

how difficult those times to be refined. how hard it is to be a Christian. 

May we be reminded though that every breath, every morning, every good thing comes from the grace of Him. And how we take it so for granted...how we waste our life in meaningless things, how we make idols in our hearts. How we so easily forget how vile our flesh. Persecution if for the sake of Him and the gospel is only our greatest privilege. To be used by Him for His glory.

One day to stand before His throne with tears streaming down our faces, to see His holiness and understand much of what we never understood before. Spared from His wrath, saved by His grace. 

Lead me to the Cross - Hillsongs